Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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