HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
