I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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