i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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