I wish I could punch you in the face.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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