cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize