I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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