first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
