Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
