worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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