So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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