Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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