you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
