NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
