I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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