$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
