I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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