Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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