I wanna bring you to show and tell
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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