I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
