Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
