You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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