woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
