I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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