No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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