I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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