Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
