how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
