I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
