He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
