I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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