porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
