Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
