i already hear my dad disowning me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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