i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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