You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
