my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Still dying that you shit outside
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
