guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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