I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
