I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
