i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
