gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
