He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You are the jesus of drinking
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
