I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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