I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
