Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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