I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
