Sry I called you an 8
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
