You just made me feel so damn special
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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