my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
