Sacagawea was the original milf.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
