I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
