so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
