hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
