You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
