did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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