im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
