The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
should my penis look like a turkey
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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