he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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